Thursday, July 4, 2013

There's a New Normal in Town

I don't know where I'm at in relation to it.  Yessireebob, can't make head nor tails out of things lately, but I'm still here anyhow, plugging along, skipping a beat now and again, making do, making time and then just being.

Gloves Meeting by Eloise de Hauteclocque

Thank goodness for my true love and that's the truth.  A bridge over troubled water.  Meanwhile Mom's in the hospital again.  She's "okay," per the latest version of normal.  What's that Zappa song?..there's no way to delay, that trouble comin' every day.  enough whining.

We're now looking for assisted living in Chicago because driving every week to Detroit is not working out.  Once that is settled, it should help a great deal.  But there is so much involved first.

painting by Robert Zeller

I have not been able to sew since Mother's Day, mid-May, when this all started.  I can't focus.  I think about her and what needs to be done all the time.  There are constant calls back and forth between me and various providers, etc.  Otherwise I just sleep.  I am the only relative she has.  And vice versa.  I know how the story ends, but the way there is still very hard to manage.  Everything seems foreign and unknowable - both practically and emotionally, ethically and financially, medically and psychologically. 

Yes, I'm still whining.  Which is why I haven't been posting.  or visiting blogs.  sorry.  I don't know what else to do or how else do be right now.  Greetings from a new place in pao-land!

Hold the Light, pastel drawing by Sharon Yamamoto
 "It is our choice to hold negative beliefs as the truth or to hold the light."

Thanks so much to all who have commented, your kind thoughts and words are appreciated and make me feel connected when I need it most.  I'm looking forward to being fun again, sometime, someday...

25 comments:

  1. Did a similar thing with my mother until she lost her 9 month battle with a brain tumor. Take care of your self, Pat ... It's so important for her as well as yourself. My mom took a fall while I was taking her to the restroom and she landed on top of me, putting me in the hospital for 3 days. She died while I was there, and I'll always be sad it was that way. I wasn't there for her last needs, and I became a pain for everyone when they didn't need any more.
    So take care for more reasons than your own sanity.
    Thinking about you, kid, and look forward to seeing you on VisMon.

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    1. Oh my goodness, Jan. There are so many stories out there that people have lived through. It's so heartrendingly sad, almost unbearable. And day still follows night. Thank you.

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  2. A gigantic hug to you, Pao!! I have had you in my thoughts. Sorry to hear about what's going on. I hope your head doesn't spin right off with all the confusion. There are so many secrets to living, the untalked-of things, that are such a normal part of living. It mystifies me all the time.
    I cry that you haven't been able to find head space for release in your sewing projects. I hope that once your mother is resettled in her new Chicago digs you will find a new groove that includes comfortable me time. Cheers to your true love. Hugs to your mum too.

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    1. It has spun off a few times, but there seems to be a cord attached so there was no great loss. I think I have a painting to that effect, I'll have to post next time...

      It's such a joy to hear from you and be able to connect regardless of how I feel or what I'm doing. Viva la bloggerhood! Thank you Melanie.

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  3. Pat, I just saw this, and am sending serious virtual hugs and warm support your way. We are on our own medical journey - and I will be unemployed for the first time in my adult life - but I'm hangin' on for dear life, and finding some much needed distraction from my lovely blogger friends.

    Sending peace, love, & healing wishes,
    Lynne

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    1. Yes, I've thought of you and yours on this medical mystery tour and how you manage it all with such grace. It's miraculous, is it not? This being human. day by day. Ah, and unemployment, underemployment, I haven't even gotten to that discussion. One fire at a time, if possible, please. I haven't really been able to distract yet, a lack of focus and energy. But sleeping is my friend and comes by often for little cat naps.
      Thank you for your sweetest wishes, Lynn.

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  4. Dear Pat, all best thoughts to you, Mom, and True Love. I've been thinking of you and am always happy to "see" you no matter how things really are amid the evolving new normals. I too have found blogger-circles good and strong medicine, and am glad you can feel us around you now.

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    1. Aw thanks, Amber. The last I heard it was hive-city for you. I hope you are now immune and free from spots again. I've been blitzed by them before, from head to toe and back again. Talk about a mystery.

      Blog-circles Rule!

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  5. So glad to see you. Right this moment I'm in Ohio with Joey because his mom's in the hospital. It's that time for so many of us. I think Melanie said it all so well. I do miss you and my dose of creative inspiration from Projecr Minima. I'm sending much love to you as we traverse this parallel-universe time.

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    1. Glad to see you too, Jean. Yes, the circle goes round and round for us all - knowing that makes it a bit more comforting. We all have to face this aspect of life that no one talks about, aging and dying, the real taboos. How to live with it, amongst it. I don't know how yet, but I do know it can no longer be ignored, that's for sure. How to be alive and creative during the active destruction...? That is my question. Thanks for being there, Jean.

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  6. So sorry about your mom's declining health, Pat. Death happens to us all eventually but it's tough to watch someone you love go through it. I've lost 2 moms (adopted and birth) and neither one was easy. But the hardest part was dealing with my siblings. Believe it or not you are lucky not to have relatives arguing with you over every difficult decision. It sure doesn't make it any easier.

    Don't worry about not creating anything right now. It'll still be there for you when you are able. Do whatcha gotta do. And feel free to whine if you want to. You have every reason. Big hugs, hon'!!!

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    1. In actuality I could say this has all gone remarkably well, all things considered...And yes, at least I have no one to argue with about things. Nevertheless, I still find myself in a daze more often than not. Though I must be coming out of it a bit, since I'm here doing a bit of blogging! And I spent a wee bit of time in the studio looking at fabric today...
      Thanks for being there Louisa.

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  7. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    My thoughts and prayers will be with you Pat and your mom.
    Take care of yourself and we'll be here for whatever you need!!

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    1. I feel your hugs, Tamara! I'm back on board this morning trying to get through to her at the hospital in downtown Detroit. It's the only one that accepts her insurance. I usually have to keep trying 4, 5, 6 times or more just to get through...not to mention being put on hold, disconnected, etc., etc. ah well, it's such a minor thing, isn't it?

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  8. Take your time, no need to force yourself to be more this or that (funny, creative, whatever). My thoughts are with you.
    xx juli
    fragmentsofmyclothing.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Juli. I'm already feeling frazzled again. Talking to the doctors and them hinting at discharge, then rehab, but not saying when. Trying to figure out when I need to be there and if she can do the rehab at her assisted living place instead. Calling back and forth.

      You moved back home to take care of your Mother recently, didn't you say? How has that been working?

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  9. Pao--Some of the same at my end, though not quite so dire as what you are dealing with. The wonderful thing about the community here is that we'll still be here...

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    1. Oh Terri, I'm thrilled to hear from again after your radio silence. I'm assuming you've retired and your mother-in-law has moved in. Talk about major changes/ challenges! But it is true, one thing that can be counted on is the good ole bloggerhood. yea! Thanks for being there.

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  10. When times get really tough, the first thing to go seems to be the interests and hobbies that keep us content ... I do hope life settles into a better routine for you and certainly for your Mum. She's lucky to have a caring daughter. xo

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    1. I'm certainly looking forward to such a thing, but right now I'm getting ready for another trip to Detroit as she gets discharged from the hospital and into a rehab facility tomorrow morning. She had only been home for a week and a half when she was rushed to the hospital for this round.
      Thanks for stopping by Desiree, I appreciate your kindness.

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  11. You're definitely not whining. Things are very hard & you could hardly be expected to be exactly as usual. We'll still be around when you're ready & your creative life will surely return when you're not so stressed.
    Thinking of you xxx

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  12. We're all here for you, Pao.
    Hoping your Mum gets settled soon and you find time to de-stress and start sewing again. xxxx

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  13. Thinking of you as you encounter complex emotions and experiences. It sounds overwhelming. We will be here when it feels right to engage. Take care of yourself and know that you are cared for. Everything you feel and think is part of this process and perfectly OK.

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  14. Sending good wishes your way and missing you.

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    1. I appreciate your thoughts coming my way. Thanks so much, Judith.

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